29 November 2012

Three Legs Are Better Than None

By now you are probably pretty familiar with some of my (mis)adventures with pets.

But what you probably didn't know, is that my pet history is a long one. That is, if we define "pet" as "a creature that has been kept in confinement and given a name."

Under that qualifier, I have had frogs, a spider (it lived on our deck and I fed ants to it every day, idk), silkworms, like a hundred ladybugs (I named all of them), snails, a couple dogs, a psychotic cat, rats, and fish. A lot of fish. Too many fish. By the time I was eleven I had quite an impressive fish cemetery in the backyard.









But besides all of those pets, my family also has had their fair share of rodents.

After my sister’s first set of hamsters devoured their own babies and left their remains for her to discover, I thought perhaps we were done with rodents forever. 



But then somehow we ended up with four little mice.




We named them Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin - because when I was 15 I was at the peak of my nerdiness.





It wasn’t long before we discovered (through observation) that Sam and Merry were, in fact, female.





So their names became Rosie and Arwen, naturally.

As you can imagine, these mice didn’t last long since they were only bred to live long enough to get from the pet store to your lizard.

Frodo was the first to go, as I found out when I awoke to his little corpse in my face.












The next to go was Sam/Rosie. We buried them in the backyard, releasing their little mouse spirits to depart on the long journey to that Mordor in the sky. (That’s what mouse heaven is called. I bet you didn't know that.)


So my sister Annie, who was like four at the time, decided to give the remaining two mice a cute little mouse bath using a little plastic Barbie hot tub. During this mouse bath, Arwen’s back leg was somehow injured/broken, mostly likely because mice shouldn’t be bathed as if they were human. (It was really cute, though).




For a few days, Arwen went about her normal mouse business dragging her broken leg behind her like some weird second tail. This included running on her little wheel, leg thumping along behind her.


But the first real indication we had of Arwen's complete insanity was when we noticed that half of her injured leg was...missing. Not being unfamiliar to the world of rodent cannibalism, we decided to separate the two mice, assuming it was Pippin who was chewing on her leg.

But when we awoke the next morning, the rest of her leg was gone, a bloody stump in its place. 

She had eaten her own leg. The entire thing. Just gnawed right through the bone.





I mean, THAT MAKES SENSE. WHENEVER I GET A PAPER CUT I JUST CHEW MY FINGER OFF.



Shortly after this, Pippin also kicked the bucket, probably from the shock of watching his friend eat herself.

We thought for sure that three-legged Arwen would follow, but no....you guys, true to her namesake, she would not die. She lived through hell. And by hell, I mean that she lived through her own self-induced hell. 


Because one day, we found that Arwen had a small little cut on her tail. And, following the same mouse logic as before, Arwen nibbled her tail off completely.

As if EATING HER OWN LEG wasn't enough!





At this point we all sort of wanted her to freaking die, because were just so tired of hearing the dull whacking sound her bony little leg nubbin would make on the metal bars of her wheel.









24 September 2012

That Time I Made My Own Wand

As you've probably gathered from past posts, there have been few things that have rivaled my dedication to the Harry Potter fandom.

Out of all of the things I've done for/in behalf of the fandom, the most memorable and shameful had to be the events that transpired the Summer of 2003.

That summer the fifth book in the series was coming out, and I had spent one Sunday a few weeks before the release alone in my garage with my Dad's tools and a stick I had found in my back yard.


Making a wand.

Yep.

It took hours of intense whittling and sanding to finally get the perfect wand. The finishing touches? Burning the end of it to make it look "used."



I was so proud of it, and when I finally emerged from the dark garage into the garish summer sun, I ran straight inside to show my Mom.




(Did I mention I was 15?)

The day before the book was released, a few of my friends got together to prepare to wait, despite my mother's warnings.

"Hannah...you will be marching in a parade tomorrow morning at 8am. You will die."

















We showed up at the bookstore around 6pm and sat on the pavement next to someone dressed as Professor Trelawney and another dressed as Dobby (it was actually a disturbing combination)...

When I was finally handed my copy of the book, I could barely contain my excitement.



I ran out of the store, wand in one hand, book in the other. Across the parking lot I could see my friend's car. I made a run for it, determined to do everything in my power to get home quicker. But since I was running like a maniac and not looking where I was going...

(Here comes the darkest moment of my life you guys....are you ready?)

I tripped as I leapt off the curb into the parking lot...



and flew forward...



luckily I stepped forward and caught myself before I biffed it completely...

...but not before my homemade wand went straight into my right nostril.




I cried out in pain and looked down to see my face-blood dripping onto the book cover.





My friends led me to the car and sat me in the back, where I proceeded to bleed all over the seat.

Despite being dizzy and exhausted, nothing could stop be from laying on my couch and reading the book all night.

After reading until about 6am, I realized that I had a parade to be to at 8. Not wanting to sleep through it somehow, I decided to get into my marching band uniform and go back to reading.

Around 7, I heard my Mom get up. She then found me, fully decked in Marching band regalia, on our couch with a dried and bloody tissue coming out of my nose, and tears in my eyes.









So, a wand was shoved up my nose.

JUST LIKE THE TROLL IN THE FIRST BOOK.

Like I said. Darkest moment of my life.


20 August 2012

Summer Scrooge: PART II


AFTER MURDERING AN A CAPELLA GROUP AND BEING FORCED TO SMELL THE WORLD'S SMELLIEST THINGS, HANNAH ESCAPES THE GHOST OF SUMMER SMELLS ONLY TO COME FACE TO FACE WITH HER NEMESIS, THE SUN! WILL THE NEW YORK CITY SUMMER DESTROY HER OR WILL SHE FIND A WAY TO END THE EXISTENCE OF THE SUN ONCE AND FOR ALL?


 








END.


NEXT TIME ON VERBAL VOMIT:
THE ORIGIN STORY OF HANNAH'S LONG, LONG, TOO LONG LONG LIST OF OBSESSIONS. AND, WILL 9-YEAR-OLD HANNAH EVER FIGURE OUT THE GENDER OF HER NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR?



09 July 2012

Summer Scrooge

This story starts, of course, with my acute hatred for something.

Summer.

Not gonna lie. It's one of my least favorite thing ever. I hate it almost as much as I hate overly enthusiastic college a Capella groups. And that is a lot of hate.








Aaaaanyway, back to what I was saying. Summer sucks. Especially in the western USA when you live in the middle of a desert and feel like you are being roasted alive when you walk outside. 


But after moving to NYC for the summer I've experienced a different sort of misery when it comes to summer.

It all started when I walked over a metal grate on the sidewalk, and I was greeted with a burst of hot stench. 


(zooming in might not work, I'm working on getting these the right size)


Uh...


22 May 2012

How to Get a Hipster


Recently I was contacted by Hipstr. -  a publication from Nottingham, England. They wondered if I would be interested in doing a few illustrations for their article called "How to Get a Hipster." I got really excited, even though I told myself I wouldn't do another Hipster installment. Turns out I never wanted to write another one, but drawing another one was just awesome. So, here it is! A (much shorter than before) new Hipster installment for you!


How to Get a Hipster


  • Be where the hipsters roam. Find a quiet space in a cafe, order a mocha latte and surf your Mac/ipad for hours on end. Think independent art galleries, movie houses and gigs. Do not forget your glasses – this is a vital accessory that WILL get you noticed.

  • If you see a bearded beauty that takes your fancy don’t forget to openly display your love on anything indie, independent art, culturally-exposing literature, philosophy and superior cultural awareness. An intelligent sounding book in hand is always helpful.

  • Wear the right uniform. Where possible, avoid buying anything labelled, especially from the stores run by the label itself (so not niche consumerism). Instead, look for independent retailers because supporting obscure and little known retailers is #totesindie. If in doubt always opt for the classic ‘skinny jean’ – the tighter the better. Alternatively, high waisted pants, leggings/ jeggings are acceptable.

  • Don’t stress about how your hair looks, for once the messy look is so totally right. Rock the ‘just rolled out of bed look’ for instant attraction.

  • Make sure to give off the vibe that you’re too cool and elite for a lot of things.

  • Show an interest in eco, natural disasters and charities. A line that might come in handy; “I donated to Haiti…. before the disaster”.

  • Hone your humour. A hipster is generally known for their sense of irony and sarcasm so if you want to give the impression that you’re so totally made for each other take this on board.

  • Grow your own food and learn to cook. Hipsters are massive ‘foodies’ and love making gourmet meals to make sure you collect a few good cookbooks. Try to cut out meat if possible – most of these hipster types are either veggies or vegans.

16 May 2012

Tomorrow


So, this post isn't a normal post, it's more of an update on my life and an explanation as to why it'll be a little bit before there's another post.  Since I don't have time to draw any pictures, I'm going Tumblr style and expressing myself through GIFS. Because I'm so busy my head could explode.


Somehow this GIF describes how I'm feeling.

Okay, so remember this post? http://www.verbal-vomit.com/2011/11/story-of-sean.html. Well, it's all happening. Tomorrow. Getting married... tomorrow (what the what?!)


Then on Saturday, we are moving to New York City for the summer for my internship. And I am...really...excited.



I won't be around for a couple of weeks while we, you know...get married, and then settle into NYC and my internship. But then I'll be free to work on the 10 posts I've started. Seriously, I've literally started 10 posts. They range from hamsters, to vomit, to bloodbaths, to spiders, to druids and there are even some zombies in there somewhere.

Also, there's always a bunch of old posts from 2010 and 11 if you want to read those. If you've already read them, then I also post crap on my tumblr, too.  I also have an Instagram that I'll probably be posting pictures on. My username is hannahhillam.

Thanks for all your patience with my lack of posting and for supporting this blog. I can't tell you how much it means to me that I have so many wonderful and kind people who read and enjoy what I do.


I'm Gandalf and you guys are the hobbit. And I'm giving you a strange hug.

Have a lovely few weeks and I'll see you soon!

Hannah