30 March 2011

How to be a Hipster, Chapter 1


Read Chapter Two
Read Chapter Three

Hipster is a slang term that first appeared in the 1940s, and was revived in the 1990's and 2000's to describe types of young, recently settled urban middle class adults and older teenagers with interests in non-mainstream fashion and culture, particularly indie-rock, independent film, magazines such as Vice and Clash, and websites like Pitchfork Media.[1] In some contexts, hipsters are also referred to as scenesters.

Do you want to be a Hipster? 
 Do you wish you could join those sparkling beautiful people that you see pedaling past your house?



Well, throw your TV's away, buy yourself a sturdy canvas bag, talk about joining the Peace Corp and read this short guide on becoming what you've always dreamed of: A Hipster.

There's an art to finding acceptable Hipster clothing. The local thrift store will be just fine for all of your needs.

If you live in a particularly hipster-infested area of the country like I do, and the thrift stores are all picked over, there are other options.

I suppose you will have to settle for Urban Outfitters. It may be 5 or 6 times more expensive and thrift store clothes generally last twice as long, but it will do the job.

First, are you wearing pants that are looser than these? (Fig. 1)

If so, this needs to change.  Dig through the stale-smelling clothes and find some trousers. Then put them back on the rack and find some three sizes smaller.

Now, if you're a boy, you have a few options for tops. The first is something along the lines of this (Fig. 2): Note the V-neck placement. If you have chest hair just let a little bit pop out to say "hello!" to all of those unfortunate normals as you ride your single-speed around town. They'll wish their chest hair had such a trendy opportunity to show itself!

Here's another option (Fig 3.) Even if you've never touched an axe in your life, this plaid shirt and beard combination as well as the fact that you don't shower anymore will tell everybody that you are a mountain-man vinyl-buying organic food-eatin' hipster extraordinaire.

Another choice for a shirt would be something subtle, but ironic, such as a Ninja Turtles t-shirt circa 1995, or perhaps a Pokemon shirt. (Don't make it too obscure though. Pikachu will be just fine.)

Girls, what can we learn from this? (Fig. 4) :

a. Anything with a bronze or gold bejeweled owl on it is good. Earrings, necklaces....earrings. Anything!

b. Lace tights with shorts? HELLO.

c. These glasses are especially hipster.  Even if you don't need glasses, it's still good to own a pair of these. They'll overwhelm your face AND everybody around you! In a good way!

Check out Figure 5. This thing is called a romper. Romper=HOT. You can even cinch a belt around your romper if you want. ROMPER. ROMPER ROMPER ROMPER.

Note the next specimen (Fig. 6) is wearing such unisex accessories as a houndstooth or checkered scarf tied around their neck and some neon Ray Bans. WEAR THESE SUNGLASSES ALL THE TIME.

Now, look at your feet. Are you looking at them? If you aren't wearing something similar to the shoes shown in figures and examples previous to this, adjust your wardrobe accordingly. Here are a few other lovely examples of the options open to you in the realm of footwear. 

1. Toms. These are comfortable and look good on (almost) anybody, even if they do look like bricks. Plus, I'm pretty sure you're saving a person's life. Or at least buying them some shoes.

2. Moccasins - Nothing says that you appreciate culture and diversity more by wearing the traditional shoes of a people your ancestors all but wiped out.

3. Oxfords with a heel: Why not?

Here ends the brief chapter on Appearance in the series How to be a Hipster. Stay tuned (via blogstalking or following) for chapter two: Interests.

09 March 2011

"An Open Letter to Hannah Hillam"

Since the overwhelming theme of my blog seems to be about the shameful things I've done in my life, I thought I'd keep with theme and post this. Today my friend Tucker posted this on my facebook wall:

Dearest Hannah

You watched your first episode of Lost on February 21st, President's Day.  In the 16 days that have followed, I understand you have finished the first 5 seasons.  I did a little number crunching for you.

You've watched 103 episodes of Lost in that time.  Assuming an average run time of 42 minutes, that adds up to 72.1 hours.  16 days is 384 hours, so that means 18.7% of your life those 16 days has been spent watching Lost.  

But it gets worse.  Let's assume you sleep 7 hours a night.  That means you've slept for 112 hours in those 16 days, so you've been awake for 272 hours.  This means that 26.5% of your waking life has been spent watching Lost.

It still gets worse!  You work 20 hours a week, and you're in class about 15 hours a week (both estimates).  This means that you've been in class 36 hours, and you've worked for 48. This means awake leisure time adds up to 188 hours, of which Lost has been 38.2%.  

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average college student spends about .8 hours per day grooming, 1 hour eating, and 1.5 hours traveling per day.  That's 2.3 hours per day, for a total 36.8 additional hours spent in those activities.  (Source http://www.bls.gov/tus/charts/chart6.pdf). We're now at 151.2 hours, of which Lost has been 47.68% of your time.  If we take off 6 more hours for Church or Church activites, that gets us to 49.6% Lost time.  

So... in the last 2 or so weeks, about half of your free time has been spent watching Lost.  Note that I haven't taken into account homework, or Sean make out time.  

The moral of the story?  Nothing.  I was just curious.  Love you Hannah!

 In pie chart form. 

Perhaps I deserve it for posting this: http://www.verbal-vomit.com/2011/01/tucker.html