16 September 2011

How To Be A Hipster: Chapter 3


CHAPTER 3 : LIFESTYLE


Read Chapter One
Read Chapter Two


Hipsters are particularly victim to persecution. The Writer Dan Fletcher says "Hipsters manage to attract a loathing unique in its intensity." Don't listen to Mr. Fletcher. He shouldn't even be giving you a label anyway!  He probably doesn't even recycle.

Such phrases as "pretentious a-hole" and "stupid hipster" or "moccasin-wearing douche bag" will sometimes be flung at you.



Just ignore it. Seriously. They're mostly just jealous of your sparrow tattoo on your inner wrist, or your awesome Jesus hair that is too awesome to be washed on a regular basis.




Don't let the persecution get you down. A lot of people might be "Hipster" but you have to remind yourself that you actually like all this stuff.

A staple of being a Hipster is consuming overpriced organic food. BUY ORGANIC. This includes such things as free range eggs, free range meat (that is, if you choose to eat the flesh of another creature), alternatives to dairy milk, and locally grown fruits and vegetables.  You will feel so much better about yourself! This guy feels great, see?



He might have an iron-deficiency, but he sure does feel good. But remember, don't stop at food. You need to start to buy everything organic. Soap, fair-trade coffee, make-up, chemical-free hair-dye...




On the same topic as eating healthier, you can also choose to become a vegetarian or vegan. This means that you don't eat meat or dairy anymore. Just think about all the awful ways those chickens and cows are murdered in the factory farms! They rip their heads off and eat their little animal hearts! They mash all the baby chickens into a paste and then they force feed them back into their mothers! Sometimes they even kill cats and dogs to put in your hamburgers. CATS AND DOGS!





Another thing that you should start to do as a Hipster is biking. You should probably just bike everywhere. EVERYWHERE. What's that? No bike? Get one! Buy a fixie, put on your Wayfarers and never leave that bike. Ever.




In fact, you could take your new fixie with you to the health food store! Get some of those neat "green" bags that look like this:



Stick your food and other all-natural items into the bag, and then put it in that nifty basket on the front of your bike and you're set!

I mean, look at that guy! He's the happiest person in the world! He's carrying his purchases in his basket and helping the environment by riding his bicycle. Plus he's building muscle in his legs, since Fixies tend to be absolutely miserable on the smallest of inclines.

To be a true hipster, you need to not only be involved in opinions relating to all-natural eating and living, but also in opinions of politics. (Well, it really depends on where you live, of course. In this case I'll be referring to American politics.) Politics are everything to a Hipster. They need to be everything to you now. Vote liberal (with some socialist leanings perhaps) even if you don't know what that means. Trust me. Just talk about how you're anti-gun, pro-universal health care, and that you wish people would stop fighting and just love each other.

Find areas in conversation to slip in a comment about how screwed up the world is, and how you are planning on donating to charities once your new EP starts to sell.




You're probably wanting to ask "How am I supposed to nonchalantly drop comments about my political opinions if I don't know how to make friends with a real live Hipster!" It's okay! Don't cry. The best places to find these highly selective groups of Hipsters would be at local bookstores and coffee shops, sipping their Chai tea and typing away on their sleek white computers.

"What are they typing?" you may ask. Most likely they are typing in the web address to Pitchfork Magazine to check updates on their favorite bands and pained singer-songwriters...or perhaps they are using the free wifi to tweet about all of the inexcusable examples of fashion and music surrounding them.









Other places that Hipsters flock to are "ironic" locations. Just go somewhere that you used to go as a kid. For example, the Planetarium, Aquarium, Playground, or Zoo.



Take a step within any of these places and you are sure to find gaggles of new Hipster friends taking lomo pictures of stuff with their Diana cameras.

Remember this guy?



He's at the zoo right now.  Taking pictures like this (this is before he spotted the sickly looking black bear behind the chain-link fence):



Now that you know where they all hang out, you need to learn how to approach a Hipster. This is a delicate process, as they will run away if you ambush them. When approaching, you need to be able to make a good first impression. Say "Hey, I couldn't help but notice you [insert activity here]. By the way, [Insert compliment here]!" Perhaps subtly flash the David Sedaris book you are currently reading.




Once you are engaged in conversation, it's always good to agree with them. Here's a good example for you to learn from.






Another important thing to remember is that you should also try to relate to the Hipster. But not too much, or else they will feel like there's someone out there that is too similar to them. (Think about it. How would you feel if someone else dressed like you and liked the same music as you?) Find a few things you both like.




Remember your iPod?

Take it out of your messenger bag and show it to the Hipster. Talk about how you like the newest Band of Horses album, but you still prefer their first one. If you've done your studying, you'll be able to mention things that only a Hipster would understand. Do so. This will entice them to trust you even more.




After making some Hipster friends, invite them over to your tapestry-draped apartment/house. Hipsters love tea. What? You don't like tea? Learn to like it. Beautiful foreign teas are like life-fluid to a Hipster. If you cut a Hipster, they will bleed tea. You don't believe me? Go stab a Hipster and you'll see.



Yep.

After your friends arrive and you make them comfortable, introduce them to your cat. You don't have a cat? Well, get one. Hipsters love cats, and so should you. They're adorable, and you can give them funny and witty names. All you have to do while naming your new cat is to point randomly at a book in the philosophy section of the bookstore or library and then give your cat the name of the author/philosopher.






Your friends will laugh, and really respect you for being so well-read.

Here ends the 3rd installment of How to be a Hipster. This is only the beginning of your journey into Hipsterdom. Remember: Never give into mainstream things. Never eat processed foods. Never own a Creed album (or else the Hipster police will come and murder you).

I'll see you at the next Best Coast concert.

Love,
Hannah

102 comments:

matchew said...

Your comments on hipsters and cats are hilarious. So true. Great post.

Morgan said...

Lovely illustrations. did you watercolor some of these?
There's a slightly more cynical edge to this one. Are you getting as tired of the culture as the rest of us?

Hannah Hillam said...

You should have read it before Sean proof-read it. It's a lot nicer now. I don't know why it's more cynical. Maybe I am getting sick of Hipsters. :)

And yeah, I watercolored most of them, and did all the linework by hand. I realized it goes faster that way. :D

erikadanielle said...

Hahaha! I totally heard you and Ethan singing in my head when I read the part about creed. I love the cat-philosopher part. Although, in your case, you named your cat after a Shakespearean character.

Camilla said...

Oh I love it. And more and more I'm realizing how much of a hipster you were before it was cool. And now that it's cool, you're moving away from it. Rock on, Potter.

Kate said...

this is just bursting with fantasticness

Alana said...

Awesome. By the way, I used your posts to explain to my husband what a hipster is. Apparently he just called them weirdos.

Emilee said...

You never fail to make me laugh. It's like you're describing my life, but I'm cool enough to laugh at myself.

Alex said...

Who's Chomsky?

McKenzie King said...

way too good. you are unreal some may say.

Annika said...

Whatever! Fixed gear bikes are glorious! I can't say that with 100% certaintly because the one I own is still in assembly... But when I get it assembled I will be glorious. And less likely to slip on ice!

Allispin said...

again, I guess I am a hipster? maybe I'm just a hipster on the inside. we did almost name our cat tesla, because obviously, but it just didn't feel right so we went with ziggy. much less hipsterish?

Anna said...

TOO ACCURATE.

Hannah Hillam said...

@Allispin. No. Not less hipsterish. :D Besides Philosophers, Hipsters also name their pets after historical figures, musicians (Ziggy counts), and politicians. I love that you named your cat Tesla at first though. I mean, Bowie was Ziggy AND Tesla! In that one movie! About Hugh Jackman being a magician.

deanna@delirious-rhapsody said...

i never really thought about it before, but hipsters are kind of like up to date hippies.

Anonymous said...

Hannah is a Hipster.

Hannah Hillam said...

No I'm not.


Yes I am.

sara waite said...

I loved the "leather shoes" bubble hehehe.... Hannah your glorious. Please never stop the awesome.

order and chaos said...

the more i read of this, the more i come to realize i'm a hipster. your comic has made me see myself for who i truly am....oh dear. haha! this is great, i love all your stuff! keep be awesome!
xo. holly

Tom said...

Well written and drawn, loved it.

--jeff * said...

1. i totally met someone with a dog named "chomsky" a few years ago. (actually, it was "chompsky", in an attempt to be clever, but the idea is still the same)

2. seeing the "witty book" title, i couldn't help but want it to be titled "me talk witty one day."

3. i kind of wonder how many people are going to go out and join "zoos are cruel" now....

4. loved the "bleeding tea" illustration.

carry on.

suzy said...

i forgot about creed because i was so busy hating nickelback.

oh wait...isn't that the same thing?

Annie said...

My brother and I sat here reading this, dying laughing. You're pretty much spot on. I wrote a post on hipsters a while back and yours makes me feel inadequate as a blogger...

Btdubs, hipsters are my favorite brand of persons. (Yes, people have brands...) :)

Buscanlavida.blogspot.com

Tiffany said...

Are you sure you're not a hipster yourself? My goodness, you have a lot of insider information.

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, posting something like this will give rise to new hipsters because someone's figured them out?? D:

The_Hamburglar said...

Hannah, didn't I take those zoo pictures two years ago? this is great, I'm glad to see them all colored and finished and narrated. you see, the problem is I like all the hipster things, but all the hipsters hate my guts. they think my guts are annoying.

Marizabeth said...

haha, this series is hilarious. I actually am new to the whole "hipster" thing (and yes, I live under a rock), so thanks for getting me up to speed. Apparently, in a way that makes me not appear cool/trendy/douchey it would appear I follow some of the hipster credo insofar as reusable shopping bags and a dislike for Creed. Who knew? :)

Sentimental J said...

Third installation is a hype!

Cat naming, organic food, fixie bikes!! Your insights are superb.
.

Coffeepillow said...

Hey... Just because you like good music doesn't make you a hipster... I own land, pay my taxes, eat meat, practice modesty, drive a car, own a 12 speed bike and listen to indie rock that you probably haven't heard of. I'm not judging you, though; I can share my high horse.

Danfredo Rivera said...

I just read chapters 1 & 2 last week and was in tears with laughter by the end. This...was AMAZING! I live in NYC and am SURROUNDED by hipsters. "If you cut a hipster, they will bleed tea." LOLOLOL ::tear::

Creating Trouble said...

Absolutely hilarious - while in the US I was trying to explain what a 'Hackney D***head' was and we finally decided it was the equivalent of a Hipster. Your post has confirmed that: the area I live in is teeming with fixie bikes, leather shoe wearing vegans and speciality tea cafes. I think I may fit some of the categories too...

Dave said...

If you're insulting Earl Grey, then you're insulting the Queen!

LauraDianeP said...

I think you should include that it's mandatory to have several pictures of yourself standing next to a statue adopting the same pose as said statue.

Jill S. said...

SO glad you posted this! I'm not a hipster but I do hate Creed... does that mean I am on the cusp?

Hannah Hillam said...

@ Jill
No, it just means you are a decent human being.

Emma said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read! I love your drawings!

Natali Puga said...

But I do hate it when people mispronounce Bon Iver. Meow.

I love your illustrations!

xx,
natali

steven andrew said...

This is too hilarious. Hah, great job!

nova said...

Good lord! I'm 70 percent hipster!

Elisa said...

Hahahaha Hannah, "No I'm not/Yes I am" sums up my life.

At this point I don't even worry about it.

Except when I do.

Anonymous said...

Oh my lord Hannah. The Hipster chapters sum up almost every person in Wellington, New Zealand. We're all about being the "original" hipster.

All your entries make my day better.

Continue on your hilarious path in life. And thank you for sharing!

D

Candice said...

Your art is stunning and your writing hilarious.

nicola lynde. said...

Geez...I love reading your updates on hipsterdom. The drawings completely make them. Looking forward to the next installment.

Maria Mercer Adams said...

My fav was the not-wanting-to-ruin-her-hair/body-with-chemicals hipster chick... who was smoking. Irony.

Sean Marco said...

The Che Guevara shirt is the BEST!!

Eda said...

This is about the most glorious thing I have ever read. Thank you for opening my eyes to the Hipster Epidemic.

lacey_jane said...

i used all of my how to be a hipster knowledge to create this masterpiece!

http://thegleeprojectcasting.com/Auditions/Search?query=lacey_jane

Caitlin said...

My cats are named Chairman and Mao.

Brittany Mitchell said...

You forgot to mention Kombucha!

Brilliant work. My boyfriend and I are naming our cat Kipling. (The cat thing made me laugh).

Superb!

Me and Leez said...

...but...but... It is ME!
How can this be?
I've never thought myself a hipster,
but now, I worry,
that my op-shopped clothes,
not of poverty bode,
but of deliberate anti-fashion,
calculated disinterest in the "mode".

My liking for pencils
and long rambling (poe)ms,
my pensive diaries
and retro headphones.
My Tolstoy, my Kafka,
my copy of "out of africa"
my penguin classics library
and (not really) ironic love of Bridget Jones.

It's clear that this category
was designed with me in mind
(I even have a compost,
and write rebuttals in, average, rhyme)

But hear me, you people,
before you condemn me.
We're the way of the future
and although I'm condescending,

and judgmental, quite often,
on your choices of clothes
your appalling taste in music
("subjectivity" is not a word I know)

The world needs us! At least I think so...
White kids from the 'burbs
we re-invented social conscience,
choose to distinguish ourselves from the herd.

We like banjos! They are fun!
Tweed pants! Suit everyone!
Old movies, new photos,
black coffee, vegan samosas,

milky tea! democrats!
greenhouses! (not gases),
Music made in sheds!
Ironic hats!

So!
I do ride a bike
I choose eggs from happy hens
But if given the choice, dear jury,
I'd do it all again.

Ananda said...

Oh my god! I'm a hipster... everyone told me but I was in denial. I mean: I love bikes, specially with baskets, I have three Dianas I totally love, and other (vintage cameras), and take that kind of photos... in fact I always carry at least one loaded with film. I also love tea! I have a 17 years old cat but at least his name is not Hobbes or Foucault. And I love to hang out in Ironic places, I make my own clothes because the stores are too expensive and comercial (everybody has the same stuff), and I was a vegetarian since i was eleven but I quit... But all my shoes are made of fabric (Keds or Converse)
You totally nail it. but I don't eat organic because I can't find that stuff in my country even do I make my own soy milk and yogurth.
But still I refuse to be call a Hipster, I can't be one but you describe me perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Oh Yoda, I think I'm one of them.

Sara said...

You forgot to mention the affinity for herbal cigarettes (they're natural) and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

mark said...

I loved the bon iver picture

Anna Mabel said...

I have to say. Only a true hipster could have written this. Also. You I'm pretty sure you just described the entire town of Athens, GA.

Jessica said...

I named my cat 'Schrödinger'. Is that a hipster thing to do?

Anonymous said...

I just hate it when people leave comments like " OMG im a hipster and i never knew!" everyone knows they are trying to hard on being hipsters.

Samantha. said...

I ticked way too many of these boxes. way too many.
Except how the heck do you pronounce Bon Iver?

Anonymous said...

I don't think this person knows what a hipster is. Hipsters have no social conscience and shop at places like Urban Outfitters. This person is describing a completely different subculture for which there is no name and which "hipsters" borrow from for their fashion statements and musical influences.

Claire Sharpe said...

This is genius, but you know, in a totally underground way.

Hannahbelle said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am not/am a hipster also, and my name is also Hannah.

Anonymous said...

I think this is great, especially your art. However, I don't think you should poke fun at folks trying to save the environment. Its actually pretty serious, and people laugh now at those trying to make an effort, but you won't be laughing when your kids can't even play outside in the summer time, because its 130 degrees outside. It may be Hipster or whatever to care about the environment but hell, we only got one earth.

Anonymous said...

a true hipster will never admit to being a hipster bc it would acknowledge their conformity to a movement, group, and/or label. you are safe for now hannahs:)
however unnerving though, Ive had the idea of giving cats philosophy and literure reference names. Its mostly bc i hate cats and if my hipster girlfriend ever makes us get one, an obscure, morbid reference name would be my one solatium.

Anonymous said...

You forgot longboards. Hipsters longboard!

Anonymous said...

Im so not a Hipster so im just going to steal your artwork blow it up and put it on a Tshirt... coz im a Pirate.. remember those .... we love copying.

theriotinside said...

What font type did you use on this article? I couldn't find it on my computer, it must be too obscure.

Anna Rutherfordium said...

OMGGGGG OMGGGG OMGGGG OMGGGG THIS IS SOOOO FUNNNY I LITERALLY LOL'D TIMES 79 which is good because people who LOL and don't actually laugh out loud are flagerdoshes! I love this blog now new favorite blog might even be better than mine GASP! keep posting post more and you can make fun of my excessive use of OMG and other textanguage slangg fine with me :D or my use of the letter Ggggggggg
So I guess that makes it OH My GAWD GAWD GAWD anyway keep posting!
-Anna

misterrios said...

By the way, everyone in Germany uses those bags, except that instead of witty sayings, they have the names of stores on them, because you buy them for a Euro whenever you forget the 100 other cloth bags you have at home. OR you could buy a plastic bag for 15 cents, since they don't give them out for free. I loved reading the series by the way, describes some people I know, and myself a bit.

Rachel said...

my dad started randomly talking about hipsters a couple weeks ago. it quickly became apparent that he didn't actually know anything about hipsters because he kept asking my sister and i about them. i just made him read this series. he had no words at the end of it. i think his hipster kick might have ended. we'll have to see, i guess.

Anonymous said...

thanks for so perfectly describing my life!!

Nerd name is B said...

You rock! I'm a hipster I'm not gonna deny that. I love hipsters. And I will marry Hipster and we're gonna have little hipster babies one day!

Anonymous said...

it's soooo true!
I guess all hipsters on the earth are just same. But in my country, Indonesia, hipsters not only love tea, but also coffee and old-fashioned-sarsaparilla-soda :)

nikki said...

hahaha why is this me?? awesome.

CourtneyReborn said...

My favorite illustration is of the organic girl with the henna hairdye. And the cigarette. Totally chemical free right? ;)

Anonymous said...

So, if you like organic food and bicycles and literature you're a hippy, but if you partake in these thing, yet do not actually enjoy them, you're a hipSTER? I can see how that might get confusing.

And if that is incorrect, I'm afraid I have been a hipster since I was, well, born. Dammit.

Motherfluffer said...

I have a question about the hipster music dude. Where's sublime? They're a staple man.

Anonymous said...

Two words: rolled cigarettes.

grayskygoodbye said...

Love it.

gaaah said...

You know, I probably think about these hipsterschapters at least once a week and I read it a while ago. I just can't help but notice people around me, including myself, acting like you describe here. Just yesterday I had that 'Bon Iver' incident. I pronounced the 'R' out loud and already got angry comments about my pronunciation. What the heck, people. It doesn't matter that much. Say what you want.

Plus, I think I'm gonna be kind of embarrased, when my kids ask me: "Mommy, were you a hipster once?" And I answer: "Once...yes"
And after that I'm gonna watch that movie with a cup of nice green tea.

Hannah Mae said...

Hmmm... You were spot-on, brilliant and hilarious in 99% of your hipster musings, but from one Hannah to another, I need to put in a word about vegetarianism. Chickens and cows (among other animals) ARE horribly, disgustingly, outrageously treated in factory farms. And, yes, some people are hypocrites, but the vast majority of vegetarians and vegans are not. Mostly, people who choose not to eat meat want to contribute even just a small amount to helping animals, because one less meat-based meal means one less bit of demand for product from the factory farms. It may not be much, but it can make a difference. More people should think about cutting back the meat in their diets, even if they don't abstain altogether. And intelligent, witty people like yourself shouldn't denigrate people who are trying (however ostentatiously) to make a difference. Please excuse my rant... I just can't let things like this go by without putting in a word for those of us who genuinely believe that animals deserve to live comfortable lives too.

Hannah Hillam said...

@Hannah Mae
I'm on your side, no worries. I'm a vegetarian. ;)

Anonymous said...

SO ACCURATE.

Another thing I have to write about many hipsters who buy fair trade and being eco-friendly and moan about everybody else not doing so, but come weekend time they go and get high on cocaine and weed, so I sneer at them and ask 'Are you coke/weed fair trade? and do they have any idea how many lives and livelihoods are endangered because of drug cartels and other illegal activities?'

Anonymous said...

This is like me new bible of life. Hipsters are so misunderstood. The commonly referred to "Preps" just don't except our lifestyle. Try being a hipster in a practically all prep school.

schlawittchen said...

That last sentence was the final nail on my hipster coffin. Duh...

a crafty bunch said...

I just read chapters 1 through 3. You have a piercing discernment of this group of people, but then, it's almost always easier to spot the hipster nature in others than in oneself. I mean, who would consciously set out to fulfill all the qualities of a hipster, as an act of genuine self expression? :-p Anyway, it also occurred to me that calling a hipster out is more hipster than that which we have so far reckoned as "hipster. " Think about it - you are calling them out on their unoriginality, as though they were mainstream, and you were the true standard of originality. Ironically, what I have just written actually steps beyond the hipster, as well as the one who calls him/her out. In recognizing these patterns and pointing them out, I have become the "turducken of hipsters." Go ahead, call me out on it...strike me down and fulfill your destiny with the dark side. I mean *hipsters.* :-D

iamnotobiwan said...

Is it awful that I'm like that...but am terrified of bicycles? Maybe it's just ironic. I could ride an adult tricycle...

miranda mcguire said...

hey Hannah, these are great. i really enjoy your blog!

CaliCase said...

Ok.... nice post! Really, it was hilarious, but it made me feel bad, because I like etsy, I have a cat, I LOVE cats, and I'm a writer and artist .-. I'm not TRYING to be a hipster, I just... apparently kind of am.

Anonymous said...

so i'm listening to best coast while i read this..
..
..get the the bottom haha

Anonymous said...

LOL the part about them sipping Chai Tea, I live off Chai tea like for real I named my hamster Chai...I'm 16..its just that cats are too mainstream...and my dads allergic...

April said...

How glorious is this? I live in Columbus, OH. My husband is an industrial designer and knows a bijillion graphic designer/photographer/artists and artist wannabes in this town, ALL HIPSTERS. All in denial. All adhering to your list of characteristics like its gospel.

I'm a little too old for dressing ironically and thrifting for clothes gets me nowhere as I am (at the moment) too fat for vintage. I wear more makeup than glitter and eyeliner. I hate windshield sized glasses. Skinny jeans make me want to weep tears of anger. I'm white but I'm not excited about being awkward and white. I listen to funk and I'm not sure I've listened to Bon Iver. Ever. I embrace having a tan sometimes. I'm not completely liberal. I don't like crafts made from felt. Sometimes I eat boxed macaroni and cheese. Hate me yet? LOL! Still, all in all, great post and thanks for the laugh :)

Anonymous said...

While wearing leather shoes! Yes, exactly.

tattoos designs said...

i do not like to have tattoos designs on wrist.

Anonymous said...

I love your drawings.Did you come up with them on your own?

Bobknows said...

As a self proclaimed hipster, this is a great guide to getting the aesthetics of being hipster right, but to truly be hipster, you have to have the hipster state of mind. The hipste state of mind is complicated and simple at the same time. The easiest way to describe it is feeling that you are better than everyone else, but at the same time realizing that you arent and hating yourself for it.

tattoos designs said...

tattoos designs are for the winners not for the losers

Merete Sorum said...

" He probaly doesn't eve recycle" had me laughing out loud in my lab. And then it only got better. I'm probably a closet hipster, sadface.

Unknown said...

hI THIS has pinned the tail on the monkey.

Also as good I thought was:
http://tiffanicelestalis.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/the-hipster-style.html

http://hipsterrunoff.com/
http://stuffhipstershate.tumblr.com/
were interesting in relation.

LUV your drawings-gd enuff 4 animation series one feels.
Bles

Clipping Path said...

Very good work on such topic. When I started to read article I was occupied with the best way you current such great topic. By the way in which might you please publish extra article on such topic? I really respect it.

Andrew P. Agosto said...

To read your blog I learn how to become a hipster. Thanks...
photo masking

friv 3 said...

What's even more comfortable when you are entertaining after a day of hard work.

Anonymous said...

this made me laugh so hard. i just realized that most of these things are very very much normal in the indian community and definately not unique to do most of those things.

Andrea said...

I just came here searching in google a heat protecter without chemicals for my hair and there is, but actually I feel like the autor, I'm very cynical about hipster, but probably everyone we have a least something about them or are we?
I just came with a doubt, ¿hipster are insane popular big stars with many cool friends or lonely and unpopular guys looking for another robbed tag "misunderstood"?
I guess the parties/concert are the precious moment of social experience to see the interaction.
This whole thing makes me hungry, I just wanna a jucy peace of meat, yeah.