11 November 2011

Team Anything-But-Edward

My university has produced some pretty cool people, I guess. Aaron Eckhart, Jeopardy-Ninja Ken Jennings, the guy who created the first Land Before Time, and the entire cast and crew of Napoleon Dynamite. I mean, decent people, right? Kind of?

But I think our most generous cursed contribution we have released on society was none other than the Queen of Teenaged Vampire fiction herself...Stephenie Meyer.  (Doesn't say much for our English department, eh?)

I came across Twilight while searching hungrily for another book to fill the void that the Harry Potter books had left in my heart.





So I read it, and it was an incredibly confusing experience.  I couldn't figure out how I could hate a book so much but still continue to read it into all hours of the night. It's like literary cocaine...like, the kind that I fished out of a dead hobo's mouth.

I obviously wasn't ready to move on after Harry Potter, and I felt that I had done him an injustice by reading the first book that came along.



First, I'd like to point out that Edward is manipulative and weird. Mysterious men that are full of inner turmoil may seem attractive, but once they start to crawl into your window in the nighttimes to smell and watch you, the mystery suddenly becomes a lot less charming.

Unless, of course, you're Bella Swan.





If I woke up to a pale, blood sucking monsterman watching me sleep I probably wouldn't be flattered, and I definitely wouldn't start dating him.

Saying that, I should also say that Bella isn't much better. She passes out, cries, thinks self-degrading thoughts, cries, makes food for her dad, cries, whines about everything, falls in love with monsters, and cries. Not a well balanced life.




Not a good couple! Especially because Edward's entire attraction to Bella is based on his carnal desire to break her frail human body and drink her blood! Also, all of his "brothers" and "sisters" are dating each other! Ugh! I just got weird chills all over my body just now!

Anyway, aside from all of that, there were a few things that I just couldn't stop thinking about.


1. Why doesn't Edward try to devour and murder Bella when it's her time of the month?



It just doesn't make any sense. Maybe she...doesn't have a uterus? But she has to have a uterus to have given birth to their child! And by "given birth" I mean to have been violently ripped open by their demon spawn!

Okay, so assuming she has a uterus, I'd also like to know...


2. How did she even get pregnant if Eddie's heart doesn't pump blood to the rest of his...extremities?

Isn't that an important aspect to the whole baby-making process? Or maybe demon vampire spawn are created a little differently? I mean, there was the whole thing about how it only took their creepy little baby a month in the womb...



So, somehow Bella gets pregnant. Which leads us to the next question...

3. Who names their kid Renesmee?! 

It sounds like a dirty stripper name!

If my parents had created my name by combining their mothers' names, my name would be Dianolyn. Which sounds like a commonly abused prescription medicine. Renesmee probably buys Dianolyn in scary alleyways! I think I'm going to write the epilogue to the series. It'll just be Renesmee's life as a bloodsucking, drug-abusing stripper.



I think I'm sticking to Team Harry.




Just sayin'...

69 comments:

mafer said...

i found your hipster post awesome.. i hope u find this useful

http://theberry.com/2011/11/16/captions-a-hipsters-best-friend-33-photos/

beijos

Maria Mercer Adams said...

I am literally heaving with hysteria. Thank you for creating the visual form of all my issues with Twilight.

Boy, Bella gets on my NERVES.

Alex Elkins said...

Hahahahhahaha I especially loved: DATE ME. And also: You wanna date me n stuff? This made me miss Harry again...

brittanywhited said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Sometimes when I want to freak people out and talk about necrophilia I explain the plot of the last twilight book to people....

or I just start talking about necrophilia...

Vin Fortuona Black said...

lol You put it into words perfectly!! -shares the post repeatedly-

Casey said...

I'm so happy SOMEONE finally noted how dumb of a name Renesmee is. Like, seriously? The fuck.

Camilla said...

The funniest blog you've ever posted and I've read all your hipster posts like a million times. Thank you!

Lauren Smith said...

Word. Harry>Twilight ANYDAY.

FBF said...

You are fabulous. And while Meyer has answered these questions (in a way that makes it seem like she has a kindergartener's grasp of science) I like yours far, far better.

Natali Puga said...

Yes, and yes. Although I will be guilty of seeing Breaking Dawn. Uh, what?

Anna said...

YESSSSS!!

Random Girl said...

Ahahahaha

"Renesmee probably buys Dianolyn in scary alleyways!" That is hilarious!

Jenna said...

I got through the first Twilight book, and only barely, because we had no cable or internet for a week and you can only play computer Solitaire so many times.

Did I mention I had started it a year previously?

Yeah.

Great drawings. I loved this.

McKenzie King said...

yep you are officially one of my favorite human beings of all time.

Hey! I'm Morgan :) said...

I also tried to fill my Harry space with Twilight and got addicted...But why? WHY?! And I also wondered how she didn't get eaten on her time of the month. And the whole vampire-penis thing. Can I say penis? Oh well.
Love, love, love this post!!

Brissa said...

best.post.everrrrrr.
it's SO true. i hate renesmee. i won't even spell it right i hate it so much.

sidenote: word verification is "brats." it's like they knew you were talking about twilight.

Anonymous said...

nothing can fill the potter void. but when you are ready read the hunger games.

twilight is literary diarrhea.

Beth-a-knee said...

I love this. I'm so happy to find someone else who loves the harry potter books as much as I do...there are so many haters. (almost always ppl who haven't read the books).
The funny thing is, while I agree with all the hilarious stuff you said about the twilight books, I still like them! Don't ask me why.

bethanyshoults.blogspot.com

Nurse Heidi said...

I nearly died laughing through this. In fact I had to stop reading, give myself CPR, and then resume reading until I finished.

Anonymous said...

This post helped fill the Harry Potter void in my heart! Thank you!

Lgirl said...

Hi, well you could try reading the tomorrow series by John Marsden AWESOME BOOKS

Alana said...

As usual, you take the words (er, vomit?) right out of my mouth.

sillycyclops said...

This was amazing. :)
I like the tags at the end... "Why doesn't Edward kill Bella on her period?"

I also need to point out that my captcha is REPTAR.
Yes, Reptar. :)

<3 Ashlynn.
sillycyclops.blogspot.com

Danielle said...

ahhhhh LOVE!

Sarah or someone like her said...

My Dear Hannah,
You're freakin' hilarious and DEAD on!

Lydia said...

Amazing! Recently Robert Pattinson wore the t-shirt of the band of which my dad was the frontman and I did backing vocals sometimes... I was so upset. It's like the thing that makes me the most angry/makes me want to laugh the most... I couldn't get past chapter one of Twilight when it was STILL talking about her white blouse...

Saskia said...

I know, I've read all three of them. It killed me but I had to finish them, cocaine indeed.

Hannah Hillam said...

@Natali Puga
Oh. OH. I'll be seeing it, too. Opening night. Dressed as Harry Potter. Just like last time.

@Jenna
The things you do without internet.

@Hey! I'm Morgan
You can totally say penis. I don't know why I didn't. Penis penis penis. Yeah, I don't understand Stephenie Meyer's...anything.

@Brissa
It TOTALLY knew I was talking about twilight! I love those word verifications.

@Anon
Is that why it tasted like diarrhea? Ewgrossjustkidding.

@Beth-a-knee
I can't explain why I keep wanting to see the twilight movies and occasionally open one of the books. It's like a weird...love hate relationship.

@sillycyclops
REPTAR?! Woah! I forgot about that show.

@Lydia
...seriously?! What was the band?

Nicole said...

Fantastic!! I have the same love/hate (but mostly hate) relationship with the Twilight books. I couldn't stop reading them and I couldn't stop hating on them. Crack cocaine indeed.

If I may be so bold to suggest good books that might come close to filling the Harry Potter void? Someone mentioned The Hunger Games already - much better written than Twilight and a riveting story. I'm a total fangirl over these books (and the upcoming movie).

The Chaos Walking Trilogy, however, I cannot say enough good things about. The writing is prose poetic, the story is fantastic, the characters some of the most real that I have ever encountered in fiction. These books affected me in a way that I have never been affected by books before. The characters were still nearly all I could think about a full two weeks after I had finished reading them. I've made it my personal mission to make sure as many people as possible hear about and read these books. So there you go. I'm one step closer to fulfilling my quest.

Keep writing! You're awesome!

Susan Borland said...

bahahahah! I love the last few cartoons.
"since we've spent 6 years building" ha!!
This is so true & funny.
I hate how they are trying to make twilight like harry potter in splitting the last movie. Like people are that excited? NO! they just have to see it because people like to see their imagination realized. I'm waiting for the dollar movie. my protest

John Kelly said...

Dang right, Hannah! I will say if you'd like some revenge on Twilight check out Rifftrax, they do a nice job of mocking the movies.

Snacks said...

The Hunger Games was good (I've only read the first book so far) but the main character either acted by impulse or kind of had things worked out for her. Not once did she have to *decide* to kill to survive. Plus the whole 'two guys in love with one spectacular girl' thing is done to death. Disappointed- and yet still I'm diving into the second book :)

What I really disliked about Twilight, besides the whole 'science doesn't matter' vibe, was that there was a strong pro-life feel to it. Fall in love, get married quickly. After you get married, immediately have unprotected sex because 'what are the odds?' Keep the baby, even if it's killing you, never consider alternatives even though you're young and your life (haha, who am I kidding, Bella has no life) is just getting started. Plus IT'S KILLING YOU. Yeesh.

talley said...

how did you think of the EXACT SAME THINGS i was thinking of when i read twilight?
soulmates.

Jenn said...

Uhmmm....seriously? Each one of your little bullet points have been snarked on soooooo many times before. Who are all these losers who think you have an original thought?

Oh yeah....Mormons.

Marlee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marlee said...

@Jenn - Seriously? I'd like to see you come up with something half as creative. I think it's funny that you took the time to comment on a blog that has been done soooooo many times before and was obviously so far beneath you.
And as far as the Mormon comment goes, you are making a huge assumption about this blog's audience, which is unfounded and pretty bitchy.
TEAM HANNAH.

Natalie said...

Hannah-I love how on your comment box you say "but if you say something rude, just know it'll probably be published and made fun of."

So... about Jenn...um, seriously?hahahahahaha! What a loser=)

Grace said...

Thank you for summing up exactly how I feel about Twilight!

Soozcat said...

I'd love to see a mashup of Twilight and The Picture of Dorian Gray, where Edward suddenly becomes his true chronological age without human blood, Bella suddenly finds a pressing need to be elsewhere... and a ravenous Edward makes her into his own personal Happy Meal.

Sigh. Roll credits.

mwoodall said...

I'm a BYU alumni (alumna?). I didn't know you go to school there. Awesome! Makes me like you and this blog even more. :)

Phil Manning said...

Hannah! My friend linked me to your blog and told me that I'd probably like it. Then he informed me that the author/artist was from Provo and I thought "Hmm... this art style reminds me of Hannah" and so I clicked on your "about" page and LO AND BEHOLD! So funny.

I love it, I'm totally following you. :D

Sarah Rooftops said...

And then there's the, "If I turn into a werewolf and rip your face off it's YOUR OWN FAULT FOR MAKING ME MAD!" boy... Healthy, very healthy...

This is hilarious - thanks!

Janet Peacock said...

That was HA-larious! Every word was so true!

Linds said...

THAT WAS HA! RATED! I loved this post more than cheesecake! THanks for sharing! I HAVE to tell you Stephenie M's explanations of a couple questions tho because I had the same Q's and couldn't handle it!!! Bella's mentral blood is 'dead blood' and not effective that way. And Edward has...umm...venom in his body that can do just about anything...such as pump...and enlarge...and things...

Have a nice day!

mollykoe said...

I absolutely love this. You have me in stitches. You have also perfectly represented my feelings towards Twilight. It's sooooo bad, but I still l stayed up to read more.

I'm sure you don't mind, but I'm posting this on my Facebook page to intelligently mock my friends that are going to the midnight premier tonight.

Anonymous said...

“Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”
― Stephen King

Madison Benson said...

HILARIOUS. I think people have learned by now to not get me started on the Twilight books. The really awful part is that, rip on it as we might, Stephanie Myer is laughing all the way to the bank...

Anonymous said...

hehehe all so true, I loved that the ad on the side of the screen was for clothing from the new Twilight movies, oh irony!

Sabrina said...

Thank you for inserting sanity into the cyberspace! Long Live Harry.

Josie Juárez said...

AHAHAHAHAHA!!

Oh Hannah! Marry my brother, kay?

Kay.

Charisma said...

Gosh this is so funny! Thank u for exactly expressing how I feel!

LivestooclosetoForks said...

That was the best.
I mean, those points have been hit before, but not with such hilarious wording and epic art.
(Truly, very epic.)

I have a gaping HP void too. I am currently reading a horror novel about sea-monster-ghost things. It is not sufficient. But I am enjoying it.

But if you've never read Animorphs, that might help you with your void problem. The first couple are a bit silly, but it gets... it gets good. It gets really quite supremely good.

Anonymous said...

When I finished reading Harry Potter or I watch a Harry Potter movie everything that you compare it to just seems so dumb and people's problems in other tv shows and movies are just stupid. I'm like seriously go whine about losing your dog or moving some other time. Harry freaking Potter just lost half his family and destroyed Lord Voldemort (mumble obscene words). Anyways your post was great and I also feel like I'm betraying Harry when I read/watch other books/movies. And Twilight Blows.

LinsKins said...

This is perfect on so many levels!!!! My experience with Twilight: *flip*flip*flip* "Oh God! This is so awful" *flip*flip*flip* "Jeez! Why am I still reading this crap." *flip*flip*flip* "Please! Somebody stop me!!!!" *flip*flip*flip* "Help me! Please, for the love of God. Help me!!!!!" *flip*flip*flip* *Curls up in the fetal position and cries for the future of the next generation*

Shantel said...

This was amazing. It what I've always wanted to express but my wit and (lack of)animation skills just couldn't produce.

Becky Pitcher said...

FYI: I felt inspired by your comparison of Twilight to Cocaine (THAT's why its so addicting, even when you hate it and tell yourself to stop!)
And I wrote a blog post about it too.
You can read it here, if you'd like: http://babymakingbybecky.blogspot.com/2011/12/fact-it-is-friday-book-drugs.html

Carlie said...

hahaha That is so funny, and so true!

Michelle said...

Please remember me when you are famous. And don't let the stalkers get you down.

Robert said...

Stephen King, author of just about every famous horror novel ever, says: “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”

Shantel said...

What I love is the taliored banner ads at the bottom of the page. 'Twilight Saga Gear' . Internet classic lol

Meikel said...

Bless you for posting this. Made my whole week!

crazywuzhere said...

This basically sums up the Twilight series. But you forgot the part where Jacob is a pedifile.

T.S said...

whatever happened to reading GOOD vampire novels.... like the ones from Anne Rice (Vampire chronicles) or Mercedes Lackey? Stephenie Meyer's writing kind of makes me gag.... your post is HILARIOUS btw. i love reading :)

you should consider writing a vampire novel, and see how it comes out :D

marge said...

Ok... So HP is quite ok... But why go to twilight when there's Tolkien? Why?

Kenz said...

If my parents named me after their moms I would be either Jetty or Bean. (Or maybe Betan? Jeaty? Which is best?)
One more reason I'm grateful not to be vampire spawn.

sandrine said...

thank you so much for that!! =)

do you know the books of harry dresden by jim butcher? i love them! filled my empty space... :-)

Anonymous said...

I loved Harry Potter and I know how that void feels. I read Twilight too and looking back I can't believe I got through them all they were so bad and creepy. To fill the void I would suggest The Hungers Games series and then if you still need something else then the Divergent series. Both great series with real characters that have real problems and don't complain about everything. I also really liked The Host which is also written by Stephanie Meyer but the characters are so much less annoying. Btw you're posts are hilarious :)

schlawittchen said...

This is hilarious. Thank you :D. You gained a new subscriber :).

Anonymous said...

Need to replace Harry Potter? Not the same, but try The Maze Runner.

And by the way, you're hilarious.