Team Anything-But-Edward

My university has produced some pretty cool people, I guess. Aaron Eckhart, Jeopardy-Ninja Ken Jennings, the guy who created the first Land Before Time, and the entire cast and crew of Napoleon Dynamite. I mean, decent people, right? Kind of?

But I think our most generous cursed contribution we have released on society was none other than the Queen of Teenaged Vampire fiction herself...Stephenie Meyer.  (Doesn't say much for our English department, eh?)

I came across Twilight while searching hungrily for another book to fill the void that the Harry Potter books had left in my heart.

So I read it, and it was an incredibly confusing experience.  I couldn't figure out how I could hate a book so much but still continue to read it into all hours of the night. It's like literary cocaine...like, the kind that I fished out of a dead hobo's mouth.

I obviously wasn't ready to move on after Harry Potter, and I felt that I had done him an injustice by reading the first book that came along.

First, I'd like to point out that Edward is manipulative and weird. Mysterious men that are full of inner turmoil may seem attractive, but once they start to crawl into your window in the nighttimes to smell and watch you, the mystery suddenly becomes a lot less charming.

Unless, of course, you're Bella Swan.

If I woke up to a pale, blood sucking monsterman watching me sleep I probably wouldn't be flattered, and I definitely wouldn't start dating him.

Saying that, I should also say that Bella isn't much better. She passes out, cries, thinks self-degrading thoughts, cries, makes food for her dad, cries, whines about everything, falls in love with monsters, and cries. Not a well balanced life.

Not a good couple! Especially because Edward's entire attraction to Bella is based on his carnal desire to break her frail human body and drink her blood! Also, all of his "brothers" and "sisters" are dating each other! Ugh! I just got weird chills all over my body just now!

Anyway, aside from all of that, there were a few things that I just couldn't stop thinking about.


1. Why doesn't Edward try to devour and murder Bella when it's her time of the month?

It just doesn't make any sense. Maybe she...doesn't have a uterus? But she has to have a uterus to have given birth to their child! And by "given birth" I mean to have been violently ripped open by their demon spawn!

Okay, so assuming she has a uterus, I'd also like to know...


2. How did she even get pregnant if Eddie's heart doesn't pump blood to the rest of his...extremities?

Isn't that an important aspect to the whole baby-making process? Or maybe demon vampire spawn are created a little differently? I mean, there was the whole thing about how it only took their creepy little baby a month in the womb...

So, somehow Bella gets pregnant. Which leads us to the next question...

3. Who names their kid Renesmee?! 

It sounds like a dirty stripper name!

If my parents had created my name by combining their mothers' names, my name would be Dianolyn. Which sounds like a commonly abused prescription medicine. Renesmee probably buys Dianolyn in scary alleyways! I think I'm going to write the epilogue to the series. It'll just be Renesmee's life as a bloodsucking, drug-abusing stripper.

I think I'm sticking to Team Harry.

Just sayin'...